A few things I would like to share before you dive too deep into this post. One it will be an openly emotional one, two there may be a few pictures that are "graphic" so consider yourself warned, three I am not an eloquent writer so I apologize beforehand, and four it will be a lengthy post.
First I would like to address the title of this post. This is the story of my son's birth and so while the title contains the word "Labor" which will include all the factual biological part of the process it also contains the word "Deliverance". Not because I physically delivered my son, but because there is so much more to it than just the actual physical part. My body was delivered from the pain of pregnancy, my body was delivered from the pain of labor, mine and Zach's world was about to be delivered from all that we had every known, and Zach was delivered from the emotional pain of watching me. Deliverance, it was more than just bearing my son, it was bringing him into this world emotionally, physically and mentally.
It was October 31st and my official due date of 40 weeks and while I sat on the couch that evening watching the last Harry Potter with Zach, Mom and Dad I felt I was doomed to go to 42 weeks of pregnancy before Beckham would decide to join the world.
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| Trying to walk this kid out |
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| About 7 hours before I would go into labor...you can see how fond I am of being pregnant still. |
I had done all the natural things in the book to get labor started, but to no avail so as the movie finished up I went upstairs for bed fully expecting to wake up pregnant. Beckham had another thought.
At 12:10am I was laying in bed just talking to Zach when all of the sudden a very nauseating period like cramp hit me. I suddenly had to empty my entire bladder and bowels. The body is so amazing! While I did not realize that I had just begun labor my body was gearing up by getting all things out of me as quickly as possible.
So back to the first cramp, while I sat on the toilet I felt like this was different than any other braxton hick I had had so I called to Zach who was still in bed to keep the time as I called out my contractions. The contractions consistently held a steady 4 to 6 min pace with a few coupling contractions in between.
At the first coupling contraction, about 20 minutes later, I hoped in the shower and rested my back against the hot water because I was having terrible back labor at this point. I think Zach also realized what was happening and came and sat on the tub and rubbed my back while still keeping time.
I stayed in the shower for about 20 more minutes and then got out, got dressed and walked around.
I was in pain, not as much pain as I was about to be in, but still in pain. Each contraction had me doubled over and quickly reaching out to Zach so I could rub the hair on the back of his head while he spoke to me about breathing. At this point we were at the hour mark and I decided I could not take it anymore.
I told Zach we needed to head to the hospital, so we called the hospital and they told us to come in and they would check if I was dilated enough to be kept.
I woke my mom up telling her we were on our way and that Zach would text if they were going to keep me.
The drive was a slow one because of the rain and Zach was trying to focus on driving and me, but nice because at 1 am there is little to no traffic. Zach parked the car and in between contractions we made our way to the labor and delivery unit. Once I got all checked in the nurse checked me and to my own horror I was only dilated to a one. The nurse said they would keep me for an hour and if I progressed to a four they would keep me and if not they would send me home with some pain medications. I said a silent prayer to please let me dilate so that I could just stay and begin this process.
The contractions at this point was very painful. It was sharp shooting pain in my lower back and across my pelvis and stomach. I had to double over and focus on a little white spot on the floor to keep myself calm. I did not think I would make the hour but Zach kept reminding me to breathe and would rub my back reminding me of other happier times and places where I was in less pain. Like how just a year before I was playing a soccer game and then our honeymoon at the beach house which allowed for my mind to be distracted enough to get through one contraction and gear up for the next one. At this point they were about 3 min apart and the coupling contractions were a lot more consistent.
But alas the hour ended and again as the nurse checked me I said another silent prayer about being at a four and low and behold I was at a 4cm so they moved me to the labor and delivery room and Zach texted my mom.
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| Contractions in triage |
I decided in the first triage room that I wanted the epidural. The pain was unbearable and I was exhausted all ready. The wait for the anesthetist was the longest of my life, the nurse would not let me move like my body wanted to when I was in a contraction and so I had to sit on the bed and wait while bearing the pain of each contraction. Finally he came and the relief, while short lived, was immediate. I spent the next 3 hours just laying through the contractions and only feeling a slight uncomfortable pressure.
After those three hours were up they decided to break my water which quickly progressed me from 4 to a 10 and the second I had the urge to push the epidural wore off. I felt every contraction just as if I had had no pain medication at all. The pain was unreal. Something I can't even explain. My understanding of how labor might go was so off based of how it actually went. It was the most intense thing I had ever been through and there were many times where I wished they would just cut me open and pull Beckham out the other way. But through the very difficult times I had Zach to look to, who showed complete concern and love through his reassuring words and facial expressions. I know looking back that this was just as hard for him as it was for me. His pain was the emotional pain though. Watching a loved one go through pain is worst than being the one in the physical pain and I know that through this experience our love has only grown deeper than what either one of us could have imagined. I cannot believe how much more I love him now, which is inconceivable based on how much I loved him before this experience. He was and is my rock and my strength.
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| Short break between contractions |
I was also lucky because I had my mom, who has always been a foundation for me. Through the very hard times she would come and grab my hand and let me know she was there. I remember through a tough set of coupling contractions I looked pass the nurse who was holding up my right let to where my mom sat in the dark corner of the room and I could see how much she loved me. I could see the tears and worry on her face and knew that while I was in so much pain that Beckham would truly be worth it because of the look on her face. I am so grateful that she was there with me. I needed her.
After two hours of pushing I felt like I was getting no where and the nurse had me reach down and feel Beckham's head. He was so close! She finally called the midwife and things really got moving then. I thought I was in pain during the pushing part...well let me tell you the "ring of fire" where the babies head and shoulders are born is worst. Beckham's head came out relatively quickly. I remember looking at the reflection of my midwives glasses and seeing his head right there, it was motivating and I bore down and pushed his head out. Beckham's shoulders were a little bit more difficult and I thought for sure I could not do it anymore. I was exhausted, I was in excruciating burning pain and I was crying out to Zach telling him I could not do it. But he, my mom, and the nurse (Julie) told me it was only a few more pushes.
They were the right, the relief was immediate when his shoulders finally came through. He did not cry as first because the amniotic fluid indicated that there was meconium in the womb so the midwife (Beth) stopped his mouth from breathing while a respiratory team took care of him. It was frightening not to hear him cry but no longer than a minute later I heard him and I can't quite describe the feeling you get when you hear your baby cry. Who, only a few hours ago was still an intangible being.
The nurse stitched me up, without numbing because of where the tear was located, not that I felt it because any pain compared to labor pain is small and incomparable. And then I was able to hold Beckham, my son for the first time. It is surreal and it is emotional and it is amazing and it is daunting. The feeling is more than amazing, and almost like an imaginary feeling. You cant quite explain it or grasp it but it is amazing.
I had become a mother to the most perfect being in those 9 hours of labor. He was an angel and looking at his face I knew I had just given birth to this perfect person who had been in heaven not too long ago at all. I knew this perfect little person has come to Zach and I for a reason.
I love him, I love Zach and I am so glad that labor is over and that I had been delivered.
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| Zach cutting the cord |
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| In awe. |
The days following Beckham's birth were a blur.
I finally got to leave the hospital and those first few days were hard. Perhaps it was the hormones and perhaps it was the reality that my life is and will never be the same. I experience and still do from time to time what people call "Baby Blues". I could not get a handle on it, I was scared and wondered if Zach and I had made the right decision in having a baby. It was so much work, I am so tired and nursing was not going well. (Still isn't...*sigh). But after a few nights of endless crying and anxiety Zach and Dad gave me a blessing comforting me and letting me know that God is aware of me, He knows me and He knows how I am feeling. And when my anxiety comes up again I am automatically reassured of Heavenly Father's love for me and the love that surrounds me here at home with Mom, Dad, Katie and Zach.
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| Driving Home! |
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| So tired, but so glad these two are mine. |
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| My angel |
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| So stressed! |
I am so grateful that I get to be Beckham's mom. I know that it will be the hardest thing I do, but it will also be the most rewarding thing I do.
